Two minutes. Does it make a huge difference? For me it does. A two minute can give you moments of unforgettable memories, while a two minute can also make you scared of life. If it is unforgettable memories that you achieve, then it stays with you throughout your breath and every moment of loss can be overcome by this finest memory of a charismatic moment. But, If what you gain is fear, then that fear lives with you, grows with you and finally accompanies you to your grave. So for me, two minutes of life does matter. In many ways. More than one can imagine.
I am not a spontaneous human being. Yes, I have spontaneity with regard to a few instincts. But when it comes to a relationship, I thought I was not spontaneous. I was totally wrong. There are times when you try to judge yourself, on your behavior, on your character or on your speech. But deceiving. All are deceiving. What you are and what you want to be, even you fail to understand. That’s nature’s law. If you argue with me that you know yourself, then you must be the biggest fool trying to convince that you have close companionship with the biggest stranger you know. I know am sounding depressing. But it’s a fact. Try to know yourself, and you will realize you don’t. Not even a bit. You decide something today; do something else the day after. You want to become something, while you would still end up doing something that you don’t even know. Life is a game, of sincere expectations and random adjustments.
Few months back I was on a drive with a friend, a girl for sure. Time must be much beyond midnight. A song played in the car, for some reasons moved her emotionally and she expressed how emotionally attached she was to me. I was probably waiting to hear that. She rested her head on my shoulder and that two minutes of drive made me feel there is someone who understand me and binds me emotionally. Months later, what followed were futile attempts to get in touch with her. The song had already vanished from the radio playlist and also from my personal playlist. But whenever, wherever I hear that song, I remember those two minutes of life. Gracious and gorgeous, two minutes of life.
Time went by and I kept searching for more and more occasions where I would enjoy two minutes of life. But the more you search the more you go away from it. These moments never occur with a planned agenda. These moments or rather minutes occur when you don’t even realize it occurred. Later you look back and realize, yes, those were those two minutes of life.
I was on a journey with my best friend whom I have never understood yet. That is myself, to Varanasi. I met an old woman in the general compartment of my train. She sat on the floor of the train and most times could be seen chanting a prayer praising the lord Shiva. The journey was unplanned and for sure I could not grab any sleeper tickets. I was left in the company of some most genuine people in the general compartment of that train. It took us till Mughal Sarai Juntion, 36 Kms ahead of Varanasi. Most of us intended to get down at Allahabad. This old woman had a packet of mixture with her, which made up for her meal. Every stop that we had by the meal time, I would see people surrounding me and staring at me while I was having a meal. Slowly I came to terms that all people in the general compartment could not afford a 3 time meal. I was slowly becoming one of them. The second day, I skipped by bf and dinner. The third day morning as I woke up, this old lady, who I have never seen having anything other than the mixture, extended her packet which hardly had enough for her to survive the rest of the journey, towards me and asked me if I would like to have some. She had probably noticed that I had my meal only once the previous day. But that’s all she had to offer me. Tears filled my eyes while I obliged and took a handful of mixture from all that she had. Her toothless smile made my day. On the third day as we got down at Allahabad, she looked lost. In the broken conversation that we had, I managed to understand where she intended to go. I guided her out of the railway station, from where we took a cycle rickshaw to the bus stand. She had to take a bus to a nearby village where she believed her son would be waiting for her, while I had to take a bus to Varanasi. During this journey in the cycle rickshaw, there was a moment. She stared at my face, I smiled at her. Suddenly in the spur of a moment, she took my face in her hands and kissed my forehead and blessed me with her hands on my head. Two minutes, thats all it took her to pierce into my heart. Two minutes of life.
Gradually my life was tuning itself into more and more of these two minutes. Many incidents followed which made me feel two minutes are worth it.
But two minutes may just not get you overwhelmed with emotional love. But also dagger a feel of scare. A wrong judgment or rather a complete wrong realization of who you are, hurts, and accompanies you for a lifetime. I am not fine with people judging me. What can I probably express to a person with whom I have spent a long time admiring and being a shadow? One fine morning, from nowhere I commit a mistake and the whole relationship goes into a judgmental mode. When the person who you thought knew everything about you, turns back and ask you questions you never thought you would have to answer, it hurts. Reciprocation does not matter. But at least I wished the past moments before a silly two minutes were given a thought before throwing questions at me like a fireball. I am doomed. I am scared to talk and I am scared of my words from there on. Two minutes of life have taken away a brother or a finest friend away from me. I repent, but I am also scared. Next time I would measure my words, I would measure my conversation, measure my thoughts and measure my intentions. I have never intentionally hurt anyone. If I have, this is an open apology. Forgive me. Pardon me.
If you think I have hurt you, you have probably, never known me.
But much beyond that, if you have ever been a part of my two minutes of life. You are never forgotten, frequently remembered and most importantly, cherished upon as the people who made up those two minutes of my life. My life continues to comprise of these many two minutes while still discovering new and more moments, which would make my life. Two minutes of life.